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Apocryphal Buffy II
Andrew Jorgensen - November 30 2001
INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT
The shop
is festooned with streamers and balloons as Anya's bachelorette party is
in full swing. "Swing" may not be the proper word, since Anya, Buffy,
Willow and Dawn just sit around the table, looking vaguely bored.
DAWN
So, is there going to be a
stripper?
BUFFY
No.
ANYA
Since the unfortunate
incident with Tara,
you're one of my only three remaining
female
acquaintances. And since I need
bridesmaids, we decided not to go
the
gratuitous nudity route, seeing as you're
too
young.
WILLOW
And I'm too gay.
DAWN
So what do we do
now? We've given you
your presents.
ANYA
I've got movies. We
could watch movies.
I've got Wall Street. And The Fountainhead.
With
Gregory Peck.
BUFFY
Chick flicks.
ANYA
They're classic
love stories. They tell
the timeless tale of "boy meets money,
boy
falls in love with money . . . "
BUFFY
Not loving the capitalist
tear-jerkers,
Anya.
WILLOW
Ooh! We could find a demon to
fight!
(Anya glares at her)
A festive demon, with party hats
and
hors d'oeuvres.
The front door opens. Xander
enters, followed closely by Spike. Xander is out of breath and both are
covered in soot.
XANDER
(panting)
Dragon. At the Bronze.
Eating.
Breathing. Fire. Lots of fire. And
smoke. Too much
smoke.
BUFFY
You went to the Bronze for your
bachelor party?
Lame much?
SPIKE
(walks to Buffy)
What the blushing
bridegroom here
is saying is that there's a four-headed
dragon
rampant and bent on
destruction. So I say that the Slayer
and I
gather ourselves some weapons
and go kill this thing. See if we
can
salvage some fun out of this
evening.
BUFFY
(stands)
You're dirty.
SPIKE
You
like me dirty, pet.
They embrace. Xander gathers himself
and starts towards the table.
XANDER
It says that it's going to eat everyone
in Sunnydale
and then destroy the
world and--
(notices Buffy and Spike
kissing)
it can't do it soon
enough.
ANYA
Four-headed?
SPIKE
(feels face)
Wot?
Am I bumpy?
(to Buffy)
Sometimes I lose control.
ANYA
A
four-headed dragon, right? 'Cause
that's Teddy.
WILLOW
You
know a four-headed dragon? Did
you invite a four-headed dragon
to
your wedding?
ANYA
Teddy the tetracephalosaurus.
He's
good people.
XANDER
An, he's eating
everyone.
ANYA
Well, yes, there's the whole "intent
on
bringing about the apocalypse"
thing, but he never welshes on a
debt.
He's fiscally responsible. That's an
important quality in a
demon.
Buffy disengages from Spike and picks up a
sword.
BUFFY
Well, in other dimensions that may
make him a good
credit risk, but here
he's still Slayer bait.
She and
Spike start for the door.
ANYA
But the thing about Teddy is that he
can only be hurt
by humans. So a
vampire and a -- whatever it is you
said you are now
-- don't stand a chance.
Buffy and Spike turn back towards
the table.
XANDER
But he can be killed by any human
being,
right?
ANYA
Not by you, honey. You're too fragile.
He is a
four-headed fire-breathing
dragon, after all.
DAWN
Well, I've
been getting pretty good
at kicking the demon butt. Admittedly,
that
last one was pretty much all
butt, but . . .
WILLOW
Don't
remind me.
BUFFY
No.
DAWN
Come on.
Please?
BUFFY
You are not fighting a dragon,
and that's
final.
DAWN
(pouting)
Aww.
SPIKE
Now, little lady,
you heard your sister.
You've got that essay on "Great
Expectations"
due on Monday and you
won't get any violence until it's
done.
DAWN
But Spike . . .
SPIKE
I'm putting my foot
down.
DAWN
I liked you so much better when you
were trying to
kill my sister.
She storms off, slamming the door behind
her.
XANDER
(to Spike)
You are still evil, right? 'Cause
I'm
losing track.
BUFFY
Anyway, this tetris-fellow-saurus
--
ANYA
Teddy. He prefers it if you call him
Teddy.
BUFFY
-- this Teddy, he can be killed by humans.
But
the human has to be armed, right?
With what?
XANDER
I vote
rocket launcher. No problem a
good rocket launcher can't
solve.
WILLOW
Can you get us back on the Army Base?
Do you
still remember your G.I.Q.?
XANDER
Except for that one
problem.
ANYA
You could use a Glaive of
Rhadyxmantril.
WILLOW
I think we have one of those. I saw it
last
week, in housewares and cutlery.
ANYA
(goes to
counter)
Let me check the inventory.
(checks the computer)
Damn!
Sold it this morning. Damn my
ex-demon work ethic!
SPIKE
So,
what you're saying is, we're all going
to die. In that case, I think
Buffy and I
will head downstairs. Fit in some training
before the
end.
ANYA
There's always magic. Teddy can be
killed with
magic. Kind of his Achilles' heel.
BUFFY
Well, we're in a magic
shop. We've got
plenty of magic books. Let's see what
we can whip
together.
ANYA
No, this can't be your amateur, fifth
birthday
party, watch me pull a --
I can't even say it -- sort of magic.
It's
got to be high-powered stuff. Only
someone who really knows
what she's
doing can use the kind of magic that
will kill
Teddy.
BUFFY
So we need someone capable of using
the darkest
magics.
XANDER
Not just any old Sabrina.
SPIKE
A real
kick-ass little Wicca.
All turn to Willow.
WILLOW
I need to make a phone call.
She goes to
the phone on the counter and starts to dial. The phone RINGS as we cut
to:
INT. HALLWAY, SUNNYDALE HALFWAY HOUSE - NIGHT
A demonic
arm extends the handset of the communal phone to Ethan Rayne, who idly
plays with a 2-year chip from Magiholics Anonymous.
ETHAN
Willow. What can I do for
you?
INTERCUT
WILLOW
It's my friends, Ethan. They really
need me to help
them out with some
magic.
ETHAN
Now, Willow. We talked
about
codependency. Your friends are just
acting as enablers,
forcing you back
down into the hole you've worked so
hard to get up
out of. Remember,
you can't help your friends if you
can't help
yourself.
WILLOW
But if I don't do some magic, the world's gonna
end!
ETHAN
(holds hand over mouthpiece
and barks at someone
or
something off-camera)
Moglur! Wait your turn! What do you
need
the phone for anyway? You've
got telepathy!
(back into phone)
It
always seems that way. Listen to
me, Willow. I'm your sponsor.
I'm
here to help you, mostly by providing
an example of where magic
can lead.
Oh, it seems so necessary at the time.
Do a spell, prevent
an apocalypse.
But look where that kind of thinking
can lead. Do you
really want to be
forty-eight years old and sharing a
bedroom with
Slimor the Odoriferous?
WILLOW
No, I guess
not.
ETHAN
Then do yourself a favor and don't
listen to your
friends. Listen to your
higher power. Now I want to hear
you say our
creed.
INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT
WILLOW
(by rote)
Blind Cadria, grant me the serenity
to
accept the things I cannot change
without using magic, the strength
to
unmagically change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the
difference
without magical assistance of any
sort.
Electricity CRACKLES as magic energy courses through
Willow's body. Her eyes take on a dark hue and then seem to glaze over.
She hangs up the phone.
SPIKE
Well, Red? What's it going to
be?
WILLOW
(mechanically)
One day at a
time.
ANYA
Are we going to die, or what?
WILLOW
One
day at a time. One day at a
time.
BUFFY
Willow?
WILLOW
One day
--
EXT. THE WORLD - NIGHT
The world ends.
BLACK OUT.
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